What's another word for fear?


I'm pretty comfortable with the concept of fear, or with being afraid. 

I am afraid of clowns. Have been for as long as I can remember. Ironically, I had a picture of a clown painted on the inside of my crib. There are pictures of me as an infant (see below) looking at the clown and smiling. My mom says I used to "talk" to the clown. I personally think that the painted clown started talking back to me and scared the shit out of me, which explains my fear of them. I have no proof, but that seems like as plausible an explanation as any other. I very much despise anything that resembles a clown. 




I have fears about being a parent and parenting my boys. Fear for their physical safety and well-being. Fear for their mental and emotional well-being. Fear that they won't be happy, or at the very least productive, humans. Fear that they will grow up to be assholes. Fear that they will resent me. 
These are all legitimate fears that probably most mothers feel to some degree. 




I have other fears too, as we all do, but I won't bore you with the list.

 Some people might consider me a pessimist. 
Glass half-empty kind of person. 

Maybe I am. 

While I'd rather not be seen as a "Debbie downer," it's kind of how I'm made. I don't wake up every day and think "how can I be negative or fearful today?"  

My fears don't keep me from experiencing life in any way...my parenting fears make me try harder as a mom, and my clown fear keeps me away from the circus and out of Halloween stores. 

*************

I have a new feeling about my upcoming surgery that I thought was fear. But it's not. I can only describe it as feeling scared. It feels very different than being afraid. 

And while I have had too many surgeries in my life, I've never been scared. Even when thinking about the anesthesia, or pain, or recovery. Never scared. I've always had a "bring it on" attitude when it comes to medical stuff. 

And here I am, feeling scared to have this surgery. 

Maybe I've asked my doctor too many questions. Maybe I'm thinking and planning too much. But I am scared. 

I'm scared that it won't work, and it will all have been for nothing. 
I'm scared to be in a lot of pain, and have the pain I'm already in not be any better after recovery. 
I'm scared about how hard the recovery will be and how much effort I will need to put into it.
I'm scared of complications like infection and blood clots. 
I'm scared of having staples used to close the bigger incision and how that will feel. 
I'm scared of staying overnight in the hospital.

I'm sure there's more reasons I'm scared, but those are the top ones. 

It hasn't helped to say to myself, "just think positive and I'm sure it will work out."  That doesn't calm me. Trying to mentally "muscle through it" was causing real anxiety and panic. Naming the feeling as scared and owning it and talking through it will hopefully be a better way to manage it.



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