Being prepared is half the battle.

If you know me, you've probably heard me mention the fact that I had an eating disorder growing up. Since it's not something that ever just goes away, I guess a person always "has" it in either an active or dormant state. So I guess it's more accurate to say that I still have an eating disorder, but that it has been relatively quiet for many years thanks to hard work, therapy, running (there's that word I always talk about!), and a great support system.

I'm pretty open about it. Talking about eating disorders and mental illness in general, bluntly and without flinching, is a new skill of mine.  It takes away the shame and the secrecy. I have been told that it has helped others with their own issues. I don't see that there's anything to hide...so if it comes up, I'll discuss it. I even got a tattoo a couple of years ago that allows total strangers to hear about it...

The conversation goes something like this:

Stranger: oh that's a pretty tattoo, what does it mean?

Me: (deep breath) the semi-colon is an anxiety and depression awareness symbol, and the larger symbol represents recovery from an eating disorder. 

Stranger: oh. Ok. It's still pretty. 

So anyways, I'm open to talking about it.

I knew that once I stopped running, I would encounter some struggles with eating, and confusing thoughts and anxiety around food. I knew it would happen. It makes sense that it would happen. So I was prepared. 

Half the battle right?

The other half...what to do about it. 

Any ideas? Because I'm not really sure what to do other than be aware, talk about it (blog about it)...

So the food and eating anxiety hit this week. Not surprising as I spent the whole week in a bathing suit. And I have eaten out at restaurants more in one week than I would in 6 months when I'm not on vacation. I'm fine. Aware. I expected it. I'm not struggling to actually eat, but I find myself worried when I eat about my lack of running and how will I continue to eat even a small amount of food and not gain a ton of weight.

 I spent the last few years running regularly and not really thinking about calories. I found some sort of perfect equilibrium. I eat healthy, but I don't restrict myself from eating anything in particular. I was kind of on auto-pilot and I loved it. Not worrying about food is so liberating!  When I did focus on my eating it was to eat more to fuel my longer harder runs. 

I was eating to run instead of running to eat. 

It's not just a different syntax. 

So another layer of the not-running predicament has been revealed. But I am strong and determined to remain in recovery with my eating disorder. I will find a way to cope with this and I am grateful for those willing to listen (read) as I mull all of this over in my mind.