What's next?


Yesterday I had my weekly therapy appointment.  It was not the easiest to get to, inasmuch as I wanted to sit on the couch and not move all day, but decided it was best (for me and everyone around me) that I go and tell my troubles to a trusted expert rather than mope around on the couch. 

It was a stormy day and there were puddles everywhere.  I took this reflection picture (something I learned from a running hero of mine) and found the perfect quote to match how I was feeling at that time.
"Things I used to trip on, I walk over now"
Yesterday I was feeling that...I was feeling pretty bad ass that 24 hours after surgery I was hobbling around the city, keeping my mental health in check, changing the bandages on my head and my knee, folding laundry at home, cooking dinner...not letting this little inconvenience of knee surgery get in the way of me getting shit done.
But then it was night-time and I was in a ton of pain and my foot was swollen and I was sick to my stomach and I was crying for all of the above reasons.
I'll let you in on a little secret...I'm not good at being hurt, or needing help, or giving myself the ability to slow down and rest.  I want to be back to my old physical self, which will give me back my old mental self, which will set the equilibrium of my house back to fully balanced.
But really I'm not going back...not to the same physical self I knew and loved.
I'm not going to be the person in the picture above (photo credit to Lisa, ninja runner photographer).
 I am ok with this, at least I am trying to tell myself over and over that I am ok with this, but I want to know what's next.  Moving forward, what do I look like after all of this is over. When do I feel this strong again?  Will I really find something that I feel so great doing?
My knee has hurt for so long now that I really am looking forward to not being in pain...but beyond that, I really would love to feel the mental and physical freedom that running gave me.
So, what does moving forward look like?  Well, it involves another surgery, this one much bigger, and a lot of rehab afterwards.

The lateral part of my left knee which is beautiful and has a nice intact meniscus between the bones.


Ugly arthritic bone on the medial side of my knee

My ACL (repaired in 2010) hanging on by a thread


After a long talk with my surgeon following the surgery, it looks like a partial knee replacement with ACL repair at the same time is what will be the best option for me.  The meniscus transplant would be a big "maybe this could work" and not something I care to gamble with. I somewhat expected joint replacement to be the outcome, although the ACL was an unpleasant surprise.

So I woke up this morning ready to look at my work and life calendars to schedule the surgery and move forward with whatever comes next.  My plan was mid-September for the surgery, two weeks off from work, then lots of rehab and on to something new in 2018.

Oh right, I have 2 kids and a husband who now works. Shit!

SO, now it looks like surgery won't actually happen until December/January when everyone is on break and needs less from me and Alex can physically be here, which puts rehab and feeling "normal" off until seemingly forever. 

Crap. 

I'm bummed, depressed, whatever you want to call it.  About all of it.  But, there's no going back, so moving forward it is, regardless of how long that will take!

"Things I used to trip on, I walk over now" 

Comments

  1. Ms.KittyAugust 3, 2017 at 9:09 PM

    It is perfectly understandable to not be OK with it, but to be working on getting to OK. It's not fair. Give yourself some permission to mourn the old you. Know that the next you is an incredibly strong woman who overcomes everything.

    ReplyDelete

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