You can't have a rainbow without a little rain...or something like that.

One thing that running gave me, maybe one of the more important things, was the ability to reset my mental/emotional state. For better or worse, I feel things strongly and sometimes have a hard time "letting it go," to quote a certain Disney princess. 

Up until a few weeks ago, I could be feeling any sort of way about anything, and after I went for a run (usually a fast 3 mile one) I was calm and collected and felt balanced again. I felt like I was the luckiest and smartest person ever to have found a way to use the thing I loved doing to keep me physically AND mentally fit. 

Genius! 

And I know I will find something to take the place of running, both physically and mentally. And even if I don't ever love it like I love(d) running, I will make it work, because I need it to work. 

But in the immediate time, and for the next several (too many to think about) months, I have to keep my head together myself. I have days where I feel pretty skilled and pretty proud of how I'm doing considering the constant pain and loss of running. And then there's days like yesterday...

...which really started a few days ago, with every little thing making me weepy. Soccer meeting for Aaron, tearful, because who has time for THAT? Packing for our week at the beach, tearful, because why is there so much shit to do for everyone all the time? Calling my doctor to ask for prescription Motrin because the pain is not manageable like this, tearful, because I can't imagine how much pain I'll be in after the surgery. So yesterday, I tried to take a Septa bus home after a conference and it went stupidly wrong and my time was wasted, my money was wasted, the driver didn't give a shit about the problem he created for me, and I stormed home on my own two feet crying, really crying...about a Septa bus...but actually just crying about everything. 

And the part I hate about all of that, is that no amount of pep-talking my way through anything was helpful. I NEED what I had with running. So I feel like an unstable weepy sad self-absorbed person when I normally feel like a strong stable thoughtful of others person. It's not fun. I'm not who I want to be. I'm afraid of not being able to turn the "sad" off.

BUT...
just as I was really bummed last night, I had to shut that down and go to Target to buy Aaron a new booster seat for our car before we left for the beach.  I bought it and as I walked outside, I noticed the sun shining very intensely through a few holes in some very thick clouds...and then I saw this... 


Holy shit, right?!

Seemingly as suddenly as I had been saddened by the dumb Septa experience, I felt immense gratitude for the opportunity to see such an incredible site. Like my breath was literally taken away. 

We packed up the car a little later last night and drove to Dewey Beach, where we are spending a week for vacation. The last 3/4 of the drive, we seemed to be chasing the storm that had blown through Philly. Which meant the most incredible flashes of lightning across the sky in front of us. No rain, just jagged bolts of electricity putting on a show for us. It was incredibly beautiful. 

It occurred to me that I wonder if I would be so grateful for the rainbow and the lightning show if I wasn't struggling a bit. Might I have been "fine," would I have taken that stuff for granted?  Did I feel so awed by it all because I was looking for something to reset my mind?  Either way, I'm grateful.

Now to spend the week in Dewey with my family!

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