Climbing out of a funk, I hope

I started this week (Monday) feeling like:

And here I am at the end of the week like:

There was less scheduling/I don’t have enough time for life this week, compared to last. Everything that hit me this week was in the mental department. Sad, angry, frustrated, WTF, anxious...all feelings that seemed to just keep piling up in my mental space. 

Just so we are clear, I’ll take the “I don’t have time” stuff ANY day. The mental stuff isn’t tangible or measureable or predictable and I can’t seem to ever tell if I’m being a rational-but-overwhelmed human, or an overly-emotional-can’t-deal-with-life human. 

So what are some of the things that have me all twisted and emotional?

Well, since you asked...

Wait, you did ask didn’t you? 

Charlie’s Bar Mitzvah

This is something that’s coming up. And coming up sooner than later (less than a year). I started thinking about it because Aaron’s birthday party needs to be planned (like yesterday) and while I was stressing about that I thought about the bigger party I’ll be planning throughout this year. And while I don’t plan on having a big elaborate party, we are going to have a celebration. And there is apparently A LOT to do. And I will be doing ALL of it most likely. 

I started looking at some of the tasks that need to be done and the cost (even the cheap version) of various components. Note to self: next time, do this while consuming alcohol so it eases the sting. I went on a blog of someone who claims she threw a “cheap but fabulous” Bar Mitzvah party and she explained all of the ways she saved money. The total still came out to $12,000+!  So yeah, I’m anxious about that just a little bit. Planning, and paying for it all. 

My Knee

My knee isn’t great this week. 

And that makes me really frustrated and bummed out. 

I went to my appointment with Dr. Z and he wasn’t terribly concerned with my pain. It’s a result (he surmised) of me doing more on a knee that didn’t hurt before the support muscles in my glutes and hip were strong enough. So while my knee felt good, the muscles I should be using are still coming back from their atrophied state, so my knee got strained. I need to walk less and be purposeful with how I do it...even if I don’t have to think about each step, I should. In another 3-4 months (oh my god I can’t believe I typed that) I can start increasing distance and speed. I’m also not getting on a real bike or swimming until then. 

I started crying when I heard that. I’m learning that’s my go-to reaction to anything knee related. I know I was told all of this at some point in the process. I know I need to be patient, but this is hard. This week was draining, emotionally, related to my knee.

I consulted the stages of grief to see where I’m at. Maybe this is the depression phase?  Dr. Z, who is being conservative and cautious said to me on Wednesday, “remember, you’re never going to have a normal knee. You’re never going to not have to think about what activity you should and shouldn’t do.” 

Ouch. 

But he’s right. 

It took a couple of years, but after my original ACL repair I eventually stopped thinking about my knee. That’s not going to be the case here and the reality of that is depressing as hell. And the thought of not having anything really physical as a release for another 3-4 months sounds impossible. And no, lifting weights doesn’t do it for me. And no, I cannot do yoga at this point. The stationary bike is fine but I’m limited to a small time frame and low resistance only and it does nothing for my heart rate. And so I’ve felt the rest of the week like I’m in a mental funk that is exacerbated every time I walk or try to use the stairs. The knee itself has improved through the week with less walking and more purposeful walking. But it’s still not where I was last week. 

Being the sighted half of a pair

This is something I don’t talk about, really ever. And if I do it’s only with less than a handful of people (thank you for listening and empathizing and not judging me). But with everything piling up in my head, and without the ability to run it out and make room for more, this is getting to me and adding to my funk. 

So here goes: Being married to someone who is losing or has lost their vision is wonderful. But it’s also really different and hard. There are a lot of things that I have to do by default. 

Driving the family home after watching the SuperBowl, which means being sober, and potentially encountering masses of people in the streets excited about the Eagles win. Driving the family anywhere, because I’m the only driver. 

Going out and buying and teaching myself how to replace the lock on the front door when it falls apart randomly on a Friday night and you then have no way of locking it. Living in the city, there’s not a “this can wait” on that scenario so sighted partner is responsible. 

Seeing that one of the dogs pissed on the rug and then cleaning it up. If he eventually stepped in it, he would know what happened. But he may have never stepped right there. I have hawk-like eyes and notice things like that instantly. 

There’s more. 

A lot more. 

This is just what’s fresh on my mind from the past 2 days. 

And there’s the everyday ways where I have to do a little more, out of necessity or to just make things easier. Just because things are accessible online (most things aren’t) doesn’t mean it’s a snap for him to do any of it. What takes me 3 minutes might take him 3 hours. That’s not an exaggeration. So I do most of all of it. 

Bottom line, there’s extra things I need to do as the sighted partner. And at times when I’m already overwhelmed, these things can feel burdensome. And then my inner critic tells me what an asshole I am for feeling this way...because at least I can see. It’s a vicious internal struggle and there’s never a perfect answer. Or even a semi-perfect answer. There’s just more self-criticism. This is one area where running helped. I would go for a run and the inner-critic would shut the hell up and I would come home refreshed after alone time doing something just for me. I know I’ll have that again some day. But right now I don’t have an outlet for all of this, and therefore it takes up mental space/energy and it causes stress and makes me feel like a terrible human/wife/partner. 

But the funk is lifting slowly. I can feel it. 

Thank you for listening (reading?) and caring. Thanks to my friends who have coffeed with me and hung out even though sitting around is about all I do right now. You really are amazing!