44 days

...that's how long it's been since I went for my last run. 

A little over 6 weeks. 

I can't decide which sounds longer...
44 days or 6 weeks. 

Not to sound dramatic (too late) but it feels like it's been an eternity.

I honestly can't remember what going for a run feels like. How weird is that?!  Early on in this non-running process I craved the feeling of a good run, or a bad run, really any kind of run. I felt like something was missing physically, like my body needed to be doing something but it wasn't. Similar, I guess, to how it feels when you're training your ass off for a distance race and taper week comes and you just don't feel right because your body needs the feeling that running provides. 

That's how I felt for pretty much the whole month of August. I physically felt the need/desire to run. I was also pretty bitter and sad and tearful. 



The physical need/desire is gone, possibly because my knee hurts so badly I can't imagine running on it...but I think it's simply been enough time without running. 

Mentally, I still very much wish I could run, for all of the ways in which running gave me mental clarity and release. The "mental only" part is easier to muddle through though. I do mental check-ins with myself hourly frequently anyway, and am pretty skilled at having the "hey Sara, how are you doing in this moment" conversation with myself.

 Call it mindfulness or self awareness or whatever, but I've been in therapy long enough to be pretty damn good at it. 

I'm sad at times, but much less emotional about it all. My husband and kids may disagree. 

I think my focus has turned to the reality of the size of the surgery I'm about to have, and focusing on how I will get through the rehab part of this process.
 
My knee feels like there's no way it's going to last another 7 weeks until surgery. I'm pretty sure I completely tore the remaining ACL that was attached about 10 days ago. My knee feels very unstable much of the time, and I have a lot of lateral and posterior knee pain, which is a new treat. I kind of just want the surgery over with so I can start the rehab process. Being in pain now, only to be in even more pain with the surgery is daunting and draining. 

I'm prepping myself and my schedule and my life for the surgery. I'm getting all of my FMLA papers and childcare coverage taken care of. I scheduled a double session with my therapist the day before surgery (possibly the most important decision ever!). I'm collecting and reading blogs that others have written about having this same surgery. 



I bought crutches that have springs in the bottoms of them to help propel you forward when you walk with them. My doc recommended them as he knows I'll struggle with the slowness of basic crutches!  I ordered them now so I can practice before I have to use them 24/7 for 6 weeks!!! 



I continue to appreciate everyone who has checked in with me. I appreciate my friend E who sends me pictures to let me know she's thinking of me when she runs. 

I'm finding my focus shift away from running more and more each day. I'm sad about that. But glad too. 

It's only been 44 days, but it feels like it's been forever since I was a runner. 


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