Selfish

  1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
  2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself.

    This is the definition of the word selfish. 

    I tried to find another word for the same idea of being selfish, without the negativity that comes from the actual definition. But after an extensive search (10 minutes on Google), it seems that there's not such a word.  So selfish it is. 

    When I was a runner (yay, I'm back to talking about running!), people would ask, "why running?"
    *obviously the people asking this were non-runners themselves*

    Running was my selfish thing. Running was the something I did only for me. Running was my "me" time. Running helped me become more self-aware. Running allowed me to be mindful and present and attuned. Running helped me connect to my body in a positive way. Running gave me social interactions. Running made me proud of myself. Running did things for me that no therapy or medication could possibly do (although I appreciate the substantial benefits of those as well). 

    So without running (I promise will try to stop using that word so much), how do I take care of "me" in the same way?  

    Perhaps cycling or swimming will become my new thing, but neither is happening anytime soon. I have more days than not now, where I can't exercise at all because of pain. Then there's the surgery and rehab time. Then there's the time it will take to fall in love (hopefully) with one of those things. I'm looking at more than a year from now. 

    Easily. 

    So in the meantime, I'm looking to be selfish in other ways.

     I'm not talking about manicures and massages (they've never been my thing), or drinking fine wine (although I rarely never turn down a good glass of wine).  

    It's not going to come naturally, but neither did running. 

    I have to stop and listen and focus on my needs in the midst of piano playing, and sibling arguments, and soccer practices, and cooking dinner. I have to remove myself from the chaos and take time for myself. "No, mom's not tired or sick, I'm just sitting alone for 20 minutes because I need that, so leave me alone (please)."  I have to say that I'd prefer to read my book rather than watch a TV show. I have to say no to social offers because I would rather have nothing to do for that 3 hours. I need to take time to write (blog) and let the laundry sit that extra hour. I have to ask for help and ask for hugs and continue to ask myself what I need. 

    I will find more, but that's what I've got so far. It seems insignificant, but I promise you it's not. I'm a yes person and a pleasing-others person. Saying no, and putting my needs first, and risking disappointing others is not an easy thing for me. 

    This doesn't replace what I got from running. Not even close. But for now, being selfish and self-focused and being concerned for how I am doing will keep me from reverting back to an antiquated version of myself. 

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