The Final Countdown

One week to go. 

I feel like it has been forever that I’ve been waiting to move past this surgery, and at the same time I don’t want it to be this close already. 

In truth I am ready, in terms of practical life stuff.

 The house has groceries, the ironing is all done, the warm weather/cold weather clothing swap has happened, the house is scrubbed, the dogs are bathed and groomed, the kids’ flu shots have been given, the beds have clean sheets on them, my recovery area is set up, the car got an oil change and has a full gas tank, my work details are sorted out, the plan for getting my kids to and fro is in place, the hospital overnight bag is packed, the first physical therapy appointment is booked, the post-op brace has been fitted to my leg....

I’m probably forgetting something, but I really tried to get as much done as I could. Maybe being immobile will be easier knowing this is all done. And maybe focusing on all of this has helped me not dwell on my non-runner status. And perhaps having these tasks on my mind has prevented me from stressing about the surgery itself.

Even with all of these things in place, I’m not feeling very ready. 

I’m still scared. 

The surgery itself, the pain, the hospital stay, the lack of mobility, the extensive rehab...

I’m going to remind Alex and my parents about my wishes, not because I expect something terrible to happen or because I am being dramatic, but because it’s the responsible and smart things to do before a big surgery. But discussing my wishes is scary. 

It’s all scary honestly. 

My youngest son recently told me that I’m the bravest and strongest mom he knows. He said this about something that was totally unrelated to my impending surgery, but it brought tears to my eyes because in my mind it was about my surgery. Thank you Aaron. I will try and be even braver. And sometimes being brave includes admitting when you are scared. 

Related to that, a friend recently messaged me and told me that my bravery in dealing with my knee is helping her be brave in seeking her own medical help. I don’t feel like I’m being brave, but I’m happy to be helping someone by getting this all out there.  

This week I’ll keep talking to myself about what makes me scared, telling myself all the times that I’ve been through more than this and come through just fine, reminding myself that relief from almost constant pain is so close, and will look forward to being some kind of bad-ass biking lady who can do tons of pull-ups without batting an eye sometime in 2018.