Stepping off the struggle bus.

Ok.

 I gave myself a week of feeling like mental poop. 

I didn’t want to. 

But fighting it, trying to smile and be all self-supportive, just made me cry more. 

I felt it coming...it started when my PT said to keep doing what I’m doing, and I was sad because there was no forward movement (really Sara??). And the next day my doctor told me everything looks great and to come back in a month, and I cried because a month felt like forever (no, really Sara??). 

So I could tell this was coming. 

I HATE feeling like that. I HATE being that person. But fighting it literally does me no good. 

It’s fun to say, “I’m riding the struggle bus” and people can imagine some goofy run-down bus with no one in control, driving around erratically...

It’s humorous, but it sucks. And I hate the feeling. And I hate giving in to the feeling. My biggest fear is that it won’t stop, the mental slump, the “I hate everyone and everything” feeling. In my mind I feel like, ‘ok, I’m on meds, I see a therapist regularly, I have an amazing support system, how do you even get in this place to begin with?’ And then as easily as it starts, if stops. Sometimes it takes longer...but it always stops. 

So I apologize to anyone who has been in my path the past week. I apologize to my husband and kids (I did in real life). I apologize to myself for being so critical and hard on the ONE person I should be kindest to. 

At least I know why I’m feeling all of this. This is situational and explainable. 

*Aside from the fact that my brain is wired this way, I’ve had a big challenging surgery that is slowing me down and I’ve lost a huge part of what makes me, me, without running.*

Situational slumps are far more tolerable than the random depressive episode that seems to have no cause and therefore may have no end(?)...that shit really bothers me. 

In other news...

My knee is looking great. Today is POD19. Almost 3 weeks out from surgery. I’m going to PT once a week for 3 more weeks until I can do a little more, then I’ll either go there more or spend some time at the Y. I’m having joint pain medially which is distressing but understandable. Distressing because it feels like the pain I had pre-surgery, and it’s hard to know if that’s normal or a sign that the meniscus isn’t ok. Understandable because now that the swelling is down, the joint structures are more anatomically aligned and there are more points of contact. My activity level has increased in terms of crutching around even more places like a crazy person, but my knee activity hadn’t changed before today (toe touching only on the L, locked at 0 in the brace, 95 degrees in the CPM). 

The incisions look ridiculously good. I’m amazed at how thin the scars will be!


Holy crap that L thigh!  Atrophy much?! But my feet are finally the same size...which is convenient because I’m going to start wearing a shoe on my L foot now. 

PT today was great. Still limited to straight leg extensions and CPM time for exercises,

BUT...

I can now put up to 20lbs of weight on my L foot when walking!!!  It’s a big deal, but still requires full crutch use so my hands aren’t free (sad face emoji). But it means I’m putting my L foot on the ground. The pain I feel in the medial compartment is likely the MACI, according to Marty (PT guy). And it should hurt, and it will hurt more before it hurts less (also according to Marty).  So pain is not fun but is normal as long as it’s not unbearable. It does give me PTSD feelings though of a year ago and “holy shit, what did I just do to my knee?”

Oh yeah...

I go back to work in less than a week (insert any expletive here because they all just came flying out of my mouth).  

Honestly I’m super excited to go back. I LOVE my job, and as much as the thought of crutching around and being “on” for 8-10 hours at night is fucking terrifying intimidating, I’m anxious to get back into that routine. I’ll be mostly office-bound and I’m excited to make plans for next year with this sit-down time. 

One other thing that I’ve noticed since being physically needy...

I’ve had plenty of days/weeks/times in my life that I’ve been one sick kid away from throwing in the life towel and running away and never coming back. But strangers don’t see that (nor should they be expected to). Strangers (as well as friends and family) see a harried mom who’s got a really bad case of RBF (resting bitch face) but they know that she is fully capable of handling whatever comes her way. . 

Now that I am visibly needy (crutches, brace, still a bad case of RBF), people have approached me and they chat with me, and insist on helping. People who have never before talked to me from my kids’ school and our synagogue have come to me, empathized with me, insisted on helping...and have followed through with that help. I am both taken aback and immensely grateful. It’s hard to accept help from people, especially knowing I can totally handle what I’ve got going on. But rather than argue I’ve accepted and taken advantage of the kindness of “strangers”. I’ve also had more people than ever just sit and talk to me. Of course there’s the “wow, what happened to your leg?” question, but then it's followed by friendly conversation. 

Questions I have:

*Do I move too fast for people to stop me and talk when I’m not physically injured?  

*Am I unapproachable when I don’t look physically hurt?

*Does an obvious physical problem just make people more inclined to talk to you?

I’ve noticed this phenomenon with my husband (who’s blind). His white cane is the giveaway that he can’t see. I take the kids to soccer or baseball or wherever when I’m not on crutches, and don’t necessarily meet anyone. Every time he takes them somewhere, he comes home with information about the various people he met and talked to, people drive him home, offer to help get the kids places, etc. It’s not like he’s making eye contact with people...I really think it’s the fact that he carries a cane and people want him to feel included so they talk to him and then offer to drive him home and ask if he needs any more help. 

It’s not a bad thing, at all, just an observation. And I’m totally on the receiving end of it right now so I’ll soak it up while I can I guess!

That’s all. Thanks for reading, and tolerating my whining at times!