Dreams do come true...

In my last post, I talked about what a great week I was having with my knee. It felt like I had really come to the next level in terms of recovery from surgery. While I was (am still) being very conservative with my walking (she types with a big frown on her face), I felt overall much stronger and confident in my knee. Swelling was down, walking was more natural and less intentional. It all felt (spoiler alert: still feels) really great. I was even having dreams about doing things I haven’t done in a long time (silly things like sitting cross-legged). 

And, here I am, sitting cross legged!  This scenario isn't exactly your typical dream come true BUT, I did dream about it, and I can now do it.

 So. Yeah. A dream come true. 

Sorry if you were expecting something way more exciting. I am legitimately excited about this. When I showed Marty (Physical Therapist) he cringed and told me to be careful, then he commented on how little it takes to make me happy. Yup. That’s me in a nutshell. 

Anyways, the knee continues to feel REALLY good. I am annoyingly aware of how quickly that could change so I’m not deluding myself into thinking it’s only going up from here, but I really feel good. 

I went to PT yesterday and kind of kicked ass with all of the exercises I did!

And then, Marty decided to test me:

I hate surprises. I really hate surprises where I need to perform and am being evaluated based on the performance. I begged him to let me prepare and do it next time. Nope, he wanted to test me now. And wouldn’t tell me what he hoped for or what would be a good number. 

What was he testing me on? 

Quad strength. 

Left vs Right

Bad vs Good

Broken vs Perfect

That’s dramatic. I know. But I was nervous because I wanted to do well (yes, I’m that kind of person in case it wasn’t already obvious) and I wanted the number to be what it should be better than it should be.

So he had me push with all of my might, while sitting, against this little doohickey that costs a bazillion dollars (I know this because he almost dropped it and subsequently almost crapped his pants) that was positioned in one of the machines, using each leg separately. He wouldn’t give me the separate numbers but calculated something and determined that my L quad strength is at 62% of my R one. He was beaming as he was hoping for something a little over 50%.  So I, in turn, was beaming along with him at 62. 

This is the doohickey he used to test my strength. I swear there are so many gadgets they get to use in PT!

He added leg extensions with the machine to my exercises I can do at the gym. I have to limit the range of movement so I don’t feel that grinding/ratchety/squishy feeling in my knee. He felt it and can hear it, and he thinks it will eventually go away as the meniscus wears down to the exact fit my knee needs. But he doesn’t want to speed that process up or cause excess scar tissue by exacerbating the rubbing. 

Oh!  I almost forgot about another “test” he threw at me. 2 months ago when I was with my temporary PT, she had me doing step-ups and step-downs adnauseam. I was frustrated because it really strained my knee but she was determined to have that be part of my routine. Marty returned and we never did them, but instead worked on strength stuff. So yesterday at PT, at the end of a long and hard session with testing and new exercises, he asked me to show him my step down. He put me on an 8” step which looks insanely high (to someone being asked to step down heel first in a controlled manner with a shaky knee).  I could barely do a 2” step 2 months ago. Well I stepped off the 8” step like a boss...well at least like someone who has no problem using their knee. It was ridiculously exciting! I got a high five for that one!  Marty’s a pretty stoic guy so getting smiles and high fives in a PT session means I really kicked ass. 

So gym time for my legs is still only 2x a week, but I’m now stretching my PT visits to every 2 weeks. I feel like these are big steps I’ve made. 

Literally and figuratively. 

I’m happy about my progress. Proud of my progress. Grateful for my progress. 

And speaking of running...

I know, I wasn’t speaking of running, but I’m going there anyway. So last week my anxiety was really unmanageable. I mean, I managed it in the sense that I continued to take care of everything I needed to, but it was not easy and not fun and I needed more help from my therapist than I normally do (thank god for my therapist!). It becomes apparent, during weeks like that, just how much running helped me mentally. And it is all the more frustrating that I don’t have it. But it occurred to me this week (I’m in a better place and have far less anxiety) that I’m also SO fucking lucky that I had running when I did, for as long as I did. Yes, big time bummer that I don’t have it anymore, but I’m so thankful for the time I did have it.

 I feel that having running when I did was really important to my personal, professional, emotional, spiritual growth. It helped make me who I am today, which is why it’s so hard losing it. I didn’t lose a hobby. I didn’t lose an exercise outlet, I lost part of what made me who I am. Running did things for me that no therapist could ever do alone. It helped get me through grad school and challenging financial times and emotionally shitty times. It helped me decide that I should find a therapist. It helped open me up to all that life has to offer. So yeah. I’m really grateful I had it while I did. Everyone should be so lucky to have some outlet they love so much.