Lucky #18

Today is 18 weeks since my surgery. For some reason, leading up to today, I felt like this was a milestone week, a momentous week, but I couldn’t figure out why. Nothing major has changed. Aside from my knee being less swollen, there’s not a lot going on that’s different than the 17 week surgeryversary (totally my own word that I made up, you are welcome to use it as well if you ever need to mark the time after a big surgery in your life).

And then it occurred to me that the Hebrew word for life is chai (חי) which happens to have a numerical value of 18. The number 18 has spiritual meaning to Jews, and anything that equals 18 is thought to have a connection to life. I’m not typically drawn to these kinds of parallels, but Judaism draws me in, in ways I never expected. 

So with that, I’m taking this 18 week surgeryversary, linking it to life, and looking forward to what this new "not running reconstructed knee" life has to offer me. Ok, I know that sounds cheesy as all hell, but I'm really kind of desperate for inspiration with this knee of mine, so let me have this. 

Related to the concept of life, it also occurred to me that it might be time to start penning a letter to the family of the meniscus donor. 

Sorry random thoughts are flying out of my head...anxiety will do that to you...and I'll talk about that (anxiety) a little later.  I bet you can't wait!

And...another random thought incoming...I have been having dreams about being able to do things with my left knee.  Two nights ago I was doing yoga with no modifications in a dream.  Last night I had a dream where I was sitting cross-legged, and I (in the dream) thought to myself, 'oh look, I can sit like this now.' I truly cannot remember the last time I could sit cross legged, or do yoga without modifications. I had other dreams where I was hiking and also playing football at the beach with my kids.  In all of the dreams I thought to myself how nice it was that I could do these things without pain.  I think my brain (subconscious?) has big plans for this knee once I am "all healed."

I went to the gym twice this week already and both times had decent workouts (within the constraints of my Physical Therapy guidelines of course).  My quad muscles are actually sore (in a good way) and I don't have any (knock on wood) real pain in my knee.  Also, the knee swelling is WAY down from even before the surgery.  My knee has been chronically swollen for more than a year, easily, and off and on for at least 2 years. So that is all very exciting.

I was actually a little tired after my workout on Tuesday...resting, not dead!

Went up on the leg press weights this week!

Look at how tiny my knee looks!

Frustratingly, my anxiety level feels like a 12 out of 10 this week. See, I told you I would get to the anxiety stuff. I would call it crippling anxiety but that not only sounds way too dramatic, but it's also not true...I am going to work and doing all of the things, but my heart feels like it's going to explode from the anxious feelings.  So, Functional-But-Terrible-Anxiety is what I will call it.


Why? Well, I did start reading a book about how the body reacts to trauma and traumatic memory (duh, certainly an trigger). The book is great but clearly a break is needed. Done. And then there's the weather. March snow storms (2 in 1 week no less) are THE WORST, in my opinion. So the weather and 2 hours of traffic to go 5 miles (that was during the insanity this past Friday) and schools being closed and trying not to slip and fall with my knee is literally making me lose my mind...or significantly contributing to the feeling that I am losing my mind. And the cool thing about anxiety is that nothing in particular could also contribute to it. Just normal everyday events could compound any already-present anxiousness. Fun stuff! 

But no, really, Anxiety SUCKS!

 

My problem though really is not what is causing the anxiety (because there will always be something, right?), it's that I don't (yet) have a reliable outlet for it.  Therapy is certainly helpful, but when your weekly appointment gets canceled (postponed) because of a March blizzard (I mentioned how over the snow I am right?), there goes that outlet. 

I know. I know. I'll find something soon enough...but for now...it feels shitty!!!  This is where running came in for me.  Bad anxiety, about to have a panic attack, go for a run. 

A hard fast run.
 

Even if I could barely breathe at first because of the anxiety, my body would switch to breathing to run and would make my heart beat appropriately for the run, and I would be 5,000% better afterwards.  It will get better, but weeks like this really remind me how intergral running was to my mental health.