On my mind...

I have some things on my mind. Who doesn’t, right?  But sometimes when I have thoughts that persist over days, writing them down is helpful. It gives them a place to be. They still exist somewhere, but they don’t take up mental space and energy. 

So without further ado, and in no particular order, I give you: My Thoughts. 

My Body

This whole process (I hate the word journey BTW, so journey might be an appropriate word to use here, but unless I’m talking about the band, you won’t hear me use that word, and will probably see me roll my eyes if someone describes something as being a “journey”)...sorry, a bit of a tangent there. 

Let me start over!

This whole process, going from runner to surgical patient to rehabbing my knee to what will I be next, has been stressful in a number of ways. Probably the most constant but somewhat hidden stress has been my relationship with my body. I’ve had a long (39 years) tumultuous relationship with my body. I know, who hasn’t? But it has taken me a really long time to get to a place where I appreciated my body and accepted its shape and its abilities. And even more now, its limitations. 

As part of my recovery from eating disorders, I’ve continued to struggle with body dysmorphia. How my body feels at times (gigantic and swollen and getting bigger every day) often does not match reality. It’s an exhausting battle. It’s a distressing battle. It’s something that is always a potential struggle. So since I stopped running in August of 2017, I’ve struggled more with this. I expected it as a result of drastically cutting off my exercise and mental clarity outlet. I hoped it would even out, become less of a thing. And it has, sort of, but I realized this week that my body has changed so much the past 8 months that it’s hard to keep my head on straight. 

*I stopped running...body got softer, changed shape. 

*I had surgery...body got even softer but got significantly smaller as muscles atrophied and I couldn’t just go get a snack or food easily. Using crutches burned a lot of calories, and I lost about 10 pounds. 

*I’m now getting stronger, building muscles in my legs in ways I hadn’t built them before, so I’m getting bigger (and stronger) but definitely bigger and clothes are tighter in the legs. 

*I’m working on building my upper body strength so I can do a damn pull-up and my arms and shoulders and back muscles are much bigger than they’ve ever been. The result? My shirts are all tight and don’t fit right. 

So it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that this can all wreak havoc on the mind of someone who’s already sensitive to their body because of past experiences and emotional baggage. 

Blah. 

It SUCKS! 

I can rationalize all of this until my brain is numb, but it doesn’t make getting dressed any easier. I hate struggling with body image shit. It is exhausting and feels so superficial and pointless. But I’m struggling regardless. 

Patriots Day, Marathon Monday

Yesterday was the Boston Marathon. It’s such a fun day to experience as a runner. Last year (a year ago today actually!), I ran as a guide for my husband who qualified as a blind athlete. This year we were going to run it again, as he had qualified again. Well, everything about this didn’t go very well. When we ran Boston in 2017, I failed miserably as his guide. I have never struggled so much through a race, and it has never sat right with me. Around mile 16, when it was clear I was in trouble, we decided the goal was switching from PR for him, to just finishing. I should’ve gone to a medical tent. I was SO sick. My fear was that I wouldn’t finish, which meant he wouldn’t finish. And my god I can’t imagine how that would’ve felt today if we never even finished. 

So we got to the finish and swore to be back in 2018, knowing he had an even faster time to qualify him for Boston 2018. And then my knee situation was diagnosed less than 3 months later. 

So watching the marathon yesterday was exhilarating and emotional, as it always is, but also there were stabs of sadness and disappointment. Annoyed I didn’t give Alex a better Boston race, sad that I won’t get to redeem myself as a guide, and other feelings I hate having. Feelings like jealousy. Or is it envy? 

*ok, I just looked them up...envy is definitely the more appropriate word*

So I’m envious. I don’t like admitting it, but I am. And honestly, how could I not be?  It’s just very hard to match feelings of envy with feelings of pride and excitement. For example, I’m amazed and proud and delighted for everyone who is crushing their goals with running (be it Boston or any other race/distance). I genuinely love watching people I know set a goal and smash it. But with that comes envy and a feeling of “damn I wish I could try that distance” or “if only I could have one more shot at that race.” Again, to be expected but the feelings don’t sit well with me. 

What I’m Really Missing Lately

Running was a lot of things for me, but I’m feeling lately like I really miss the mental exercise it gave me. As much as it was a way for me to clear my mind and “run off” stress, it was also a way for me to fight with myself, wrestle with my doubts, and win. 

I would set a goal in my mind. In training for that goal, I would push myself to find the time to train, ignore the thoughts about how there is no time or that making time for myself in this way was a waste of time. I would challenge myself to go harder, and quiet the part of me that told me I was too slow, too tired, not built for running. When the race or distance challenge came, I had to fight the ever-present voice that said, “this is dumb. You aren’t having fun right now. Go home and forget about this.”  That voice was at many a race, and the very first challenge was to get past it. To either squash it completely at the beginning or quiet it many times throughout...either way required mental strength that is unique (for me) to running, especially distance running. 

This realization came to me yesterday when I read about Desi Linden, and how she felt after winning the Boston Marathon yesterday. At mile 4, she was thinking she wouldn’t even finish the race. She even slowed down for Shalane who had to stop. At some point, Desi won over the part of her brain that told her she wouldn’t finish and she not only finished, she won! I read about what she had going on in her mind and I said, out loud, “damn! I miss that!”

And I do! 

So that’s it. A few thoughts that now live here so they can get out of my head!

My knee is feeling great. Pretty strong. Pain free. Minimal swelling. All good stuff!  

And so we are clear, the above “challenging feelings” certainly don’t take away from my awareness of how well I am recovering or how amazing it is to be pain free. With everything, I try to acknowledge the good and the bad and give myself space for it all as needed and where appropriate. 

That’s all!