I remember this clear like it was yesterday.

This summer is going to be chock-full of “this happened exactly one year ago” with regard to my knee. And while I can actually go a day or two without thinking about it at all at this point(!), my knee and my new normal is still a huge part of my life. 



So this popped up on my Facebook memories today. This was the day I went to see Dr. Z, and asked him to tell me what the arthrogram showed. 

For a perspective on the timeline of things:
*I had the arthrogram done on Thursday. 
*I completed a half Ironman on Sunday. 
*I got the results of the arthrogram emailed to me on Monday. 
*I also has my graduation ceremony for my MSN on Monday. 
*My husband had his ceremony for his PhD on Tuesday. 
*I saw Dr. Z on Wednesday for the results. 

That was a ridiculously huge week for me last year!

So when I got the results by email, I didn’t know exactly what they meant. It sounded more complicated than my hope of a simple “meniscus tear.” Still the only part that really concerned me was that it sounded like my ACL (that had already been repaired) was shredded (it was)...but I assumed it just meant a slightly more involved surgery that would have me back to running in 1 year instead of 6 months. Denial is an incredible coping mechanism huh!

I went to Dr. Z a year ago today and a few things happened. First, he was floored that I completed a half Ironman on a knee “this damaged” (his words not mine). He commented on how high my pain tolerance must be. Then he started explaining the meaning of the results. I think I blocked most of it out and when he was done I realized I never heard him say anything about my ACL. So I chimed in cheerfully, “so my ACL is ok then!”  He looked at me very confused and said, “oh, no, it’s shredded if not completely detached at this point, but that is the least of your worries.”

Oh shit. 

So I started crying. 

He looked terrified but gave me a hug. 

Then I started really listening to him. 

He wanted to do surgery to find out how bad it really was. Was it worse than the imaging showed (it was) or was it exactly as it seemed from the results. I knew that if he was talking about doing surgery to find out what kind of bigger surgery I needed, things were pretty bad. 

I asked him about running and he just said, let’s wait and see. We need more imaging and I need to think about what we do if I can’t salvage your natural joint. 

Salvage?  Really?  That’s where we are with this?


The word salvage makes me think of this. So I asked him if it was really that bad. He proceeded to tell me everything he told me when I first got there when I had spaced out. And this time I listened.

And then I left and posted this (pictured earlier in this post) panicky message on Facebook to try and find another opinion. Turns out there was no other opinion to have, as Dr. Z was spot on with his diagnosis and plan. 

This was a heavy day for me. I needed to schedule diagnostic surgery. I had planned to run a half marathon in Oregon and wasn’t going to cancel that trip. But knowing I had multiple surgeries ahead of me had me really upset. The fact that Dr. Z didn’t have an answer to “will I run again after the ‘salvage’ operation” had me upset. It was a hard day for sure. 


It’s weird to relive these memories. 
Weird, but also therapeutic. 
Recently my knee has felt really good. The other night I had severe lateral pain in my salvaged knee that had me panicking. I didn’t do anything weird or traumatic to it, no slipping, no falling. But it suddenly hurt to walk and move it in any way. It hadn’t hurt this bad since immediately after surgery. I iced it a lot and took Motrin and have not done any of my strength training with it since.  It feels fine now, and I’m thinking it was maybe scar tissue that tore a bit. Who knows.



I’m grateful to be a year out from the early stages of my knee drama. I feel like I’ve made so much progress. And to think I’m essentially pain free (most days) and just a year ago it hurt to sit, stand, out a sock on, do stairs, etc. 
It still baffles me that it rarely hurt when I would run. It hurt like hell once I stopped, but running didn’t hurt much at all. 

Go figure!

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