‘Tis the Season

I went to the gym today, for the first time since I mysteriously destroyed my knee by standing up from my desk...that was a little over 5 weeks ago. I didn’t love going to the gym (I would always rather be outside), but the cardio felt good and I enjoyed watching my knee get stronger every week. So this “setback” really set me back mentally with regard to my feelings about the gym. 

What’s the point?
I can’t do anything with my legs, what else is there?

So instead, I’ve done a lot of napping, something I almost NEVER do despite my crazy work hours. And some of you might think, “that’s good, sounds like self-care to me.” And maybe napping is part self-care but it has turned into self-loathing (loathing may be too harsh of a word, but it fits nicely in the sentence so just go with it). I have begun to worry that napping, and the need to nap, is a sign of depression creeping in...

‘Tis the season, right?!


So today I allowed myself to nap AND then I went to the gym. And it felt good and I sweated and I worked my arms and torso. 

Yeah...it felt good. Good enough. 

My knee hurts though. Every day I feel a little less confident with its ability to last through the day. I’m sure some of it is psychosomatic, but the swelling and palpable (and audible!) popping with every step is very real. 

So I’m getting through my weeks at work, getting as much done as I can. Not panicking like I was before. I’ll be able to walk a few days out from surgery. I’m hoping to not be on any narcotics. It should be “a piece of cake.” I am also taking almost 2 full weeks off for this surgery which should be plenty. The last 2 surgeries I rushed back to work because I was new in my role and was nervous about being gone too long (I could punch myself for that in hindsight, but, whatever). So this time I’m making sure I take the time I need. I’m also really looking at the time off as a blessing (a word that I feel is way overused and makes me cringe a little, bit I’m using it anyways) in disguise. 

*I will be home for 7 of the 8 nights of Hanukkah
*I will have time to really get things in order for Charlie’s Bar Mitzvah 
*I will have time to snuggle with my pups
*I will have time away from work that will allow me to miss it
*My time off coincides nicely with Alex’s break at West Chester
*It also coincides nicely with lots of Bar Mitzvah meetings that start happening around then

So I’ll keep looking at it as a glass half full of time where I have less to juggle and more time to sleep. 

I have to mention also, that I am really proud of how well I did this past weekend with it being Philly Marathon weekend. Not just that, but my husband ran in the marathon with a guide. Not just that, but I found him the guide (who is an amazing person) and registered him for the marathon. Not just that, but I got up at 4am on Marathon morning, made them coffee and breakfast and drove them to the start line. Not just that,(I’m almost done, I swear) but I went to the finish and stood around for two hours, screamed when they ran past, then drove them home in a warm car with heated seats. Last one...not just that, but I had a little party after to celebrate their accomplishment!


So the part that I’m proud of though, is that I did all of that with genuine happiness in my heart. I was so excited to see them cross the finish. What an emotional experience, and one that I’ve never had! I’ve always guided him across the finish. Watching him was an incredible experience. When I hugged him in runners village after he finished, I was SO DAMN PROUD of him! I didn’t know how I would feel with all of this. Would I have to fake it? Would I be pretending to be happy for him? Thankfully, no. I was genuinely over the top thrilled. 


I will admit, there was jealousy. Like a little hint of it just below the surface of all the feelings. I acknowledged it. I let myself feel it, but it wasn’t this overwhelming bitter WTF kind of jealousy...I mean, not that I have any idea what that feels like or anything...

So yes, a tiny bit jealous, also a tiny bit glad that he didn’t break my marathon PR. Hey, I’m human! And I’m also the tiniest bit competitive. I’m also just trying to be honest. His guide is a faster runner than I am, and I prepared myself for the fact that he may beat my marathon PR time. But I still have that. 

What a weekend though.

Thanks for reading my ramblings and not judging me too harshly for my honest feelings.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Overwhelmed, in a good way!

Image
Me, this morning, with Dr. Z and Lisa Well, this was a pleasant surprise!  I’m discharged from Dr. Z’s care! I know, right?!   Hearing him say it didn’t feel real.  Typing it doesn’t make it feel real.  But it’s real! This morning I went for my 9 month post-op appointment. I couldn’t wait to tell Dr. Z about the 100k bike race. I couldn’t wait to tell him that I can walk 7 miles at once. I couldn’t wait to tell him that most days when I get up in the morning, my knee is not the first thing I feel or notice or think about.  Once he picked his jaw up off the ground, and hugged me, and congratulated me, and looked at the x-rays, and examined my knee, he told me that I’m doing better than he could’ve ever hoped and that there’s nothing else he needs to do for me.  What???  “Are you sure? I thought we were going to be together for 18 months, at least...” He’s sure.  I’ve had no setbacks.  I’ve had no complications.  I’ve had consistent forward progress.  I can do things pain free and swelli
Read more

End of the year, part 1

Image
One of my very favorite parts of the end of the year is tallying my running mileage, considering my goals-met, and thinking of goals for the next year. It’s very exciting to look back and relive the good and the not-so-good from the year. Inevitably I scroll through my pictures month by month with a huge smile on my face.  “Oh, I forgot about that race” “I can’t believe I PR’d in that humidity” “Thank goodness I didn’t give up and just swam through the tears” Obviously this year is really different.  I’m struggling to reconcile how happy I am in what I did accomplish running, with how terribly disappointed I am in what happened to my knee, with how proud I am of my recovery so far.  It’s impossible to come up with one primary feeling to cover it all...so I decided to not try and reconcile the feelings. I’ll let them be separate and not equal.  As A Runner As a runner I had a great year. It ended on 7/31 with a total of 862 miles. But up until then I really had an incredible year that I
Read more

Wistful vs Wishful

Image
The word Wishful  means to have hope for something.  The word Wistful means to have a melancholy longing for something. The words are so close, just one letter off, but they have very different meanings. This image very accurately depicts my mood lately.  Definitely more wistful than wishful.  Wistful for nice weather, running, running, running, doing anything that makes me feel like I am doing something physical! ************************************ My husband would likely argue that this picture is a far more accurate depiction of my mood lately, but this is my blog so I choose wistful kitten over raging bitch cat... ************************************* Regardless of which cat persona you go with, both are how I’ve felt lately (maybe one more than the other, but that’s not the point). And consider this fair warning in case you bump into me on the street...but actually try not to bump into me, my knee is still fragile and that’s a sure-fire way to see
Read more