Random thoughts while I wait to fall asleep

*I’m exhausted and I have barely done anything. The thought of the energy it takes just to get up to pee makes me want to cry. Going upstairs this morning to get changed, wash my face, and put deodorant on wiped me out and had me dripping with sweat by the time I got back downstairs. I’m assuming (hoping like hell) that this will get easier as my upper body (which has always been woefully weak) gets stronger and more used to propelling me along. 

*Sliding around on my butt has been a good way to get around and have free hands. Not kidding. And the floor/stairs get a little sweeping at the same time!

*I have been wearing sports bras rather than traditional bras (sorry if that’s TMI) to maximize comfort as I lay around in various lazy positions. I’ve found that their use goes beyond comfort as they are also really good for carrying things when you need free hands for crutches. Medication bottles, an apple core that needs to go in the trash, and really any random thing that’s laying around and would be better off in its proper place (because I’m neurotic and struggle with shit like that). I promise you I’ve mostly been resting, but when I’m up, I maximize my potential to tidy. 

*I had a friend visit me today (Sunday). I am so grateful he took the time to come see me. I met him through running so naturally, running came up in conversation. And I got emotional trying to talk about running, or not running in my case, and how I feel about it. I don’t know what stage of grief this is, but sadness and lots of wishful wishing is how I would describe it. Maybe it’s because of the surgery and I’m just emotional in general. I thought I had moved on, but I think my immobility is making me feel more feels. 

*I had another friend I met through running that visited me yesterday (Saturday). Again, my gratitude for the friendship and the time taken to come hang with my lame-ass cannot be expressed enough. I gave her a race bib of mine for a fall race I had already registered for, when I learned that my running was over. Unfortunately there wasn’t the ability to transfer names and information. So she ran the race today (this race had always been my favorite) as me, and she dressed all in purple, and it was terribly bitter-sweet. 

*And as I write all of these running thoughts, I have real-time tears in my eyes. I think I realize that I’ll never “get over” the loss of running. It’ll feel different as time goes on. But it’ll always be something I’ll miss. But in the same thought, I realize how excited I am to eventually be able to kneel down and look at bugs on the ground with Aaron and sit cross legged playing video games with Charlie...and so much more, and do all of it pain free once I’m recovered.

*Being needy, in a way that I’ve never been before, is teaching me a lot. I have had a ridiculous amount of surgeries as an adult (7, including this one), but I’ve never been this needy. I’m thankful I did my homework leading up to this surgery. If I hadn’t read other people’s blogs and gone over many versions of the post-op protocol, I might have assumed I’d be “off my feet for a few days” like I was with my previous ACL reconstruction. Nope, I gleaned from all that I read that I would seriously need things and people in place to help me when I got home. I knew a lot and therefore planned a lot. But I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like needing so much help. I feel like I need to thank people a million times over for every little thing they do for me or my family, even though no one would expect so many. I am thinking “I would so much rather be doing this myself, but I genuinely appreciate you helping.”  Instead I say “thank you so much” about 104 times. 

That’s all for my random pre-sleep thoughts. Thank you for reading and caring. This blog, as a source of documenting and venting and organizing my thoughts, may be just the thing that keeps me sane through this process!