Moving Forward...life before, during and after a meniscus transplant

More random ramblings about how the last few months have unfolded. I'm grateful that writing  typing has been so therapeutic. It's helps me organize my mind a bit. So here's what's on my brain today: June 14 is when I went to Dr. Z to find out the results of the Arthrogram that was done on my knee just the week before.   Just 3 days before this appointment (June 11), I completed a Half Ironman. My first and only. I felt invincible.  I went to the appointment with some knowledge of what the test showed (thanks to the e-chart app which allows for instant access to your own medical info).  The summary said some things I didn't understand. But it mentioned "major meniscus defect and ACL tear." Those are terms I understood.  I had expected meniscus damage, but the ACL threw me for a loop. The meniscus was the "easy" injury in my mind. The ACL meant a bigger surgery and harder recovery. The irony is that the meniscus damage is the irreparable part and ...

Ok, the rest of the surgery details for those interested... Part 1 talks about the meniscus transplant and is the previous post.  So the above picture is a healthy knee looking at it from the front. This is a right knee but my busted knee is my left one.  The remaining details of the surgery involves the medial articular cartilage (above the medial meniscus), and the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) which is one of the pink bands behind the kneecap in the picture. This picture (above) is my ACL, well, not mine actually. It belongs to a cadaver donor but has been in my left knee for 7 years now.  I had an acute tear of my original (the one I was born with) ACL while planting for a kick in martial arts. My surgeon back then (Dr. K) used cadaver tissue to replace the torn ligament and told me good luck getting back to running (he was not a fan of runners).   Had I not been the mom of two very young boys and the only income source as a full time nurse ...had I been ...

I'm a sucker for knowing as much as I can about different things that roll into my life. Sometimes that's a good thing ( knowledge is power ), and sometimes that's a bad thing ( that time I researched the details of the surgery my oldest son needed to remove a benign tumor in his inner ear ).  I consider myself lucky that, as a medical person, I understand anatomy and physiology and know what and who to ask, and where to look for the best information. So here's the rundown on what I've learned about this knee surgery I have coming up. This is as much for me as it is for anyone else. If anyone in the future is frantically looking for meniscal transplant surgery info like I was 2 months ago, and stumbles on this blog, this post will be a good resource for them. The other blogs I have perused regarding this topic were focused on recovery and return to activity. There was very little technical info. And I like the technical stuff! Once I understand it, the su...

My morning: I'm sitting in the hallway at our synagogue, reading a pretty incredible book, in a window seat that suits me just fine. There's coffee, there's nice people passing by, my kids will be done with Hebrew School soon.  I'm feeling kind of down.  Lonely. Sad. In a lot of pain.  It's ok, I'm really ok.  It's good to be aware, and not afraid, of feelings that aren't the picture of positivity.  A person approached me to say hi... this is someone I've known for many years, and we've talked about any number of things, but I wouldn't think that he knew me particularly well... ...until he started a conversation that caused me to believe otherwise. He described his perception of a topic that pertained to ME , specifically, and it instantly lifted my mood.  He does know me!  I held back tears (worried he might never approach me again if I started crying right then) and thanked him for sharing with me and for bei...

Right now, the Jewish community is observing and celebrating Rosh Hashanah.  Happy New Year! Something I've not mentioned yet, as most of this blog has been consumed by running related bullshit  other topics, is that I'm converting to Judaism in less than a month. The emotions tied to this are so complicated, that I'm not going to try and explain them here. My husband and therapist have both heard it all, so I'll just say that I'm emotional about it. It's good. It's great. It's amazing even.  So a large purpose of this time of year for Jewish people is to be observant and introspective and thoughtful and contemplative. I feel like I do this too much already (to a fault, because somehow I can make anything my fault) but I'm happy to participate as a(n almost official) Jewish person.  The sermon at Synagogue this morning was really poignant (it almost always is though) and I haven't stopped thinking about it. The message was about ...

"I'm going to give you $10,000 towards the life of your knee once it's repaired. Being the young active mom of two boys that you are, you'll use 10 cents a day just by living your life. If you add running to your life, even a small amount a few times a week, you'll be using 10 DOLLARS a day. The effect of any running on your knee after this surgery is exponential, not cumulative. I can't tell you not to run, but I can tell you that running will destroy anything we do to your knee." -Dr. Sheth This conversation happened, and I decided then that I was going to be done running as soon as treatment started on my knee.  This is not the doctor that will be doing my next surgery, but he's the one who will likely be inserting my artificial knee joint in 5-10 years; when the meniscus transplant (the surgery I'm having done in November) fails...which is a guarantee based on everyday wear and tear. After I sobbed, I took myself off of every socia...

...that's how long it's been since I went for my last run.  A little over 6 weeks.  I can't decide which sounds longer... 44 days or 6 weeks.  Not to sound dramatic (too late) but it feels like it's been an eternity. I honestly can't remember what going for a run feels like. How weird is that?!  Early on in this non-running process I craved  the feeling of a good run, or a bad run, really any kind of run. I felt like something was missing physically, like my body needed to be doing something but it wasn't. Similar, I guess, to how it feels when you're training your ass off for a distance race and taper week comes and you just don't feel right because your body needs the feeling that running provides.  That's how I felt for pretty much the whole month of August. I physically felt the need/desire to run. I was also pretty bitter and sad and tearful.  The physical need/desire is gone, possibly because my knee hurts so badly...

What is it about a cup of coffee and a quiet house on a Saturday morning that gets you all contemplative and introspective? My thoughts this morning, in no particular order: *the sky is the prettiest blue right now *i love my job, a ridiculous amount, far more than I thought I would *i love that Alex has a job again *it hasn't even been a week since Aaron had his close call with the ocean yet it feels like it was an eternity ago...and that it happened to someone else, not him, perhaps in a movie that took place in Australia. That's how distant it feels. I suspect my brain will bring it back to me at some point, but for now I'm grateful for the distance *i wish I was running in this weather...which has been amazing pretty much consistently since I stopped running August 1st🙄 *the first week of school and sports for the kids happened, with Alex and I both working, and I am still alive and "functioning" *i have 7 weeks until the ...

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself. This is the definition of the word selfish.  I tried to find another word for the same idea of being selfish, without the negativity that comes from the actual definition. But after an extensive search (10 minutes on Google), it seems that there's not such a word.  So selfish it is.  When I was a runner (yay, I'm back to talking about running!), people would ask, "why running?" *obviously the people asking this were non-runners themselves* Running was my selfish thing. Running was the something I did only for me. Running was my "me" time. Running helped me become more self-aware. Running allowed me to be mindful and present and attuned. Running helped me connect to my body in a positive way. Running gave me social interactions. Running m...

I mentioned in my previous post something about me having fears, being anxious, glass half-empty kind of person, right?  If you didn't read it, that's ok, because I said all of that. So there are many times where I look around at other people (parents) and see that they seem aware but not hyper-vigilant. They seem calm and relaxed and not really worried. And maybe I seem that way to some on the outside (I really doubt it) but I promise you I'm not often calm and relaxed...especially recently as a non-runner.  I'm not so much a "helicopter" parent as I am a "rescue boat in the waiting" kind of parent.  Well, this weekend, one of my worst fears as a parent (really as a person, because it can happen to anyone) came true.  And I couldn't sleep last night and I've been on the verge of a panic attack all day, and all of a sudden tears just start pouring out of my eyes with no warning.  My little guy, Aaron, got pulled out by a rip current in the oc...